April Fools 2023 Press Release

Press releases made by the Department of Corrections on updates, employee adjustments, and stories from within the prison.
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Kourtney LaFleur
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April Fools 2023 Press Release

Post by Kourtney LaFleur »

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Opening Message
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Welcome to the March 2023 SADOC Press Release!
We have had a very quiet month and not much has really gone on, which you can tell below.
A lot of rank adjustments have happened which were very unexpected as well as a super unique inmate of the month. This also might be our most interesting Employee of the Month ever.

We hope you enjoy reading the monthly press release!
Employee of the Month
Each month here at the San Andreas Department of Corrections we like to bestow an honor on this month's best performing officer who has shown time and time again that they put maximum effort and commitment into their work. The officer selected for this prestigious award has proved themselves as a representation of how each officer working for our department should strive to be.

Employee of the Month March 2023
Questions for the Employee of the Month
We like to ask the employee of the month a few questions to get their perspective on the job and what makes a great officer, below are a few answers to common questions by our Employee of the Month:

Looking back, what are memorable achievements from your service so far?
Employment. Promotions. Becoming the Warden. Reigning supreme.

Moving forward what are the next goals as a SADOC officer?
To continue being the Warden. I have considered making a Warden II rank that I can promote myself too yet there would be no further benefits besides the title of "Super Warden".

Any advice they would give to future prospects who might think about joining the SADOC?
Respect my authority. I am the Prison Queen and what I say goes.
You think inmates have it rough, wait till you see what happens when you don't obey my every order.

Divisional Spotlight - Correctional Strippers Division
  • What is the Correctional Stripper Division?
    Correctional Stripper's is DOC's best Division. We only accept convicted pimps, prostitutes and ex-strippers. We give inmates a private dance in a cell since we know they won't be able to see their partners for a while. Some officers may even want in on the action so we provide it to them as well.

    What are Correctional Strippers like?
    You set up a date with one of our strippers or all of us and we'll come and give you a show. You could also come by and booty call us, we love to give you and your family a nice show with a happy ending.
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    Message From The Head Stripper
    Galileo Czapiewski wrote:
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    Hello, I’m Galileo Czapiewski the current Head Stripper at DOC. I'm glad to say that I've got the sexiest officers in the city working in my division, and I know that they will give anyone a good time. We enjoy giving our services to inmates, other correctional officers, EMS and law enforcement. We also give our services out to the public for a small price. CSD is always looking for new clients and we enjoy giving out our services.


    Message from the Assistant Head Stripper
    Elizabeth "Cupcakke" Harris wrote:
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    Sex occasion, nipples like raisins
    I black out on that d*ck but my c*m is Caucasian
    Told me to face it, went down like the basement
    Don't nut in my hole, I do not want your glazin'
    Suckin' on that d*ck made my lipstick slip off
    So can I wear your c*m as clear lipgloss?
    Make you work that d*ck like I'm the big boss
    Call me Serena back and forth with his balls.

Get Out of Jail Free
Have you ever been incarcerated at Bolingbroke for a long period of time with no chance of parole and the rest of the inmates are stopping you from doing laundry? Worry no more!
(Please do not copy this image)
SADOC are now offering Get out of Jail Free Cards to all inmates that wish to hand over $1,000,000 in cash as well as their mortal soul.
The guidelines rules are as follows:
  • Must be arrested with $1,000,000
  • Must be a tuesday.
  • These cards can only be used once and will be destroyed on purchase.
  • Do not pass go.
Please do not bring up copies of the Monopoly board game Get out of Jail Free cards as they are not legal tenure.
LRMTC4DAB
During our weekly Friday departmental meeting on the 17th March 2023 it came to the attention of the department that Lance Reddick, a renowned actor and a favourite of SADOC had passed away.
We immediately went into mourning.

We have decided to dedicate our refurbished training center, previously named Fort San Quentin, to the Lance Reddck Memorial Center for the Deaf and Blind in memory of him.
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SADOC Flight Division
After a year of hard work we are finally able to announce the Flight Division.
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The Government has given us permission to allow us to build our own helicopters so we put the inmates and Groundskeepers to work! After a few weeks they had managed to keep the glue, twine and stick crafted helicopter together.
Unfortunately it does not fly.
Inmate of the Month

Gnome

Gnome has been at Bolingbroke since time began. No one is quite sure how he ended up in prison however we have all decided to leave him in his own cell.

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  • Note: In the interest of transparency, and being able to allow inmates to represent themselves this interview is direct quotes from the interviewed inmate and their quotes do not represent the SADOC's views and beliefs.
  • Why do you do illegal things?
    • ⛥̴̢̲̰͔̺̫̗̰̮͉̘̩̳̝̺͈̗͗̂̑̃̈́͘͝ ̸̨̡͈͉̥̘͈͉̥̲̯̥͍̮̓̔̂̽̎͊̄̐̄͌͛͒̀̏̌͘͜͝͠⛧̶̡̤̺͓̤̭̲̦̹͙͚̲̹̤̠̭̝̙͛̅̂͐͗̏͒̓͑̀́̽͒̒̈́̋̚͜ ̷̨̨̗̤̬̗̯̝͓̯͖͛́͐̈͑̃̅̐̇̆̉̈͗́̏͆̚͜͜͝͠i̵̛̗̙̪̜̦̭̩͉̝͂͂̀̅̀̑̐̌ ̷̢̢͕̙̱̬̘̗̤͍̙̬̰̥̄́̎̇͊̐̓́͋̾͜ͅg̴͔̫̊̀́̊̔̓͌̾̈̉͒̇̇̆̂̏̓̕͝e̷̢͈̟̫̤̦͉̟̖̠̘̫͇̊̆̇́́͐̒́͛͒͊͘͝͝ͅt̸̛̛̠̭̹̎͆͆̾̅̅̄̀̀̉͊̽͐̋̎̾̕̚͠ ̵̱̟̦̲̭̱̮͓̙͕̺̯͈͈̝͉͕̤̋̃͐̾̓ͅb̸̧̧̨̧̢̜͔͔̯̩͎̣̝͚̻̜̉̅͜ǫ̵͈̜͔̳̻̀͗̆̓̏́̄̂̽̽̐̅͝r̷̡͖̤̯̟͖̼̞̘̟͝͝è̸̠͖͕͚̬̼̘͕̯͕̼͕̭̳̟͙̊̍̈́̏̆͋̒̈́̒̾̀̔́̊̎̒͝͝͝d̶̯̼̥͕̎̈̐̀̀̑̅̌̍̍͂̏̒̑̍͘̚̚͘͘͝ ̶̧̡̨̢̠͚͉̲̯̘̹̯̬̩̥̭̺̭̎̎̽̈͛̀̿̔̈́̓̇̇͜͜͝͝s̷͖̭͎̋͐͐͗̎̅͊̋͑̔̈́͐͊̑̂̕̕̕͠͝ͅͅo̷̡̪͈̜̗̘̪̩̰̟̙̩̰̠̜̗̻̥̦̙̅͊̒̔̓́̈̆͜͠m̸̡̧̝̺̘̙͈̖͚̦̱͔͚̳̺̭͕̗͑͗̈́́͌͗̈͗̓̄̊̊͂̿̾̉̓͆̒͝ͅͅe̸̡̡̧̥̲͇͓̝͔̪̰̱̯͎̦̋̑͌͗͐̈́̓͊̃̋̐͒̋̍͜͝͝͝͠t̴̨̨̨͚̗̬̺̰̜͕͚̬͇̠̼̒͛̉̉̿̀̋̈́̉̈́͒͊ī̴̙͔̬͕͙̬̮̗͙͕͆̂̅̌͂̏͆͆̉̃̕͘̚͜͝͠m̷̨̨̡̛̫̻̺͙͈̱͙̠̱̞̱͈̟̰̜͂͛͊̈͋̾͑̒ę̸̢̨̛̟̭͈̯̱̮̝̺͈̙͔̩̮͚́̏̑̅̐̀͂͂̂̌͘̕̚ͅs̶̢̧̤̘͙̬̩̗͕̠̭̠̺̜̟̋̐̄͊̓̋̆̓̃̌̍́͗̈͐̔̿̑͝͠͝ͅ ̵̨̪̞͔̯͇̣̣͓͖͔͚̲̫̟̼͆͛̇̒͗̿̄̎̽̆͊̚͝ͅȋ̷̯̜̆̋͛͌̇̋̽̈́͘ ̴̬̺͂̇̈́̓̇́̉̑͆̒͌́͋̂̽̈̋͝ģ̷̢̢̠̙͇̝̤̦͎̦͔̮̙͉͙͈͎́̃̔ų̷̯̲͓̼͙͇̝̯̠̰̟͈̊͊͗͊̈́́̆̀̄̇̄͂̈́́̕͘͘̚͠͝͝ͅé̵̢̢̞s̵̨̤̳̺̠͓̮̾͋͒͌̓̈́̄͑͌̄͐̚s̵̫̹͌̇̓̈́̊̄̈́̓̋̅̃͘̚͜͠ͅ ̶̨̧͍̖̮͖͎͉̗̫̦̟̭̲̂̽͐̍⛧̴̡̨̨̳̼͍͖̞̯̹̥̺̦̭̖̥̟̋ͅ ̸͈̣̳̙̯̤̦̼̟̾͐̽͛͒̿̐͗̽̊̏͘͝͝ψ̸̜̭̲̠͇͖̆̽̉̀̒͊̈́̉͒̾́͑͊̊̉͆̿͠͝͝ ☠

  • What's your favorite thing about DOC?
    • ψ̵̡̨̛̺̻͓͖̠̤̬̙͔̤͍͓̘̀̽̊͂̈̚͠ͅ ̷̹͕̫̩̇̉̃̆̆̏͝ψ̶͎̯̙̺̰̱̦̇͐͊̆̕̚ͅͅ ̶̧̩̙̗̲̤͚͔̼͌͐̐́͒̍̕͝i̸̫̻͉̫̽̈́̐̈́̎̆̓͋̀̓͋̅͠ ̸̨̡̺͎̤́̑͒̾̄̌̅͌̚͜q̵͓̮̪̞́̋̓̄͑̈́̀̚̕͝u̵̢̨̡̧͎͚̣̥͎̗͎̣͚̺̟͈̻̯̓̾̒̀i̵̧̜̩͉͍̥̯͓͕̭̝̣̣̳̭̯̙͑̍̓͂́͛͘t̸̡̮̳̳̼͚̞̳̙̱̳̀͌͑̈́̔̈́̓̿̕̚̕͠͠͝͠é̶̼͕͈̣͔̜̼̥̬̱̩̘̬̗͎͉̪̊̂̓͆͆̊̀̄͘͜ ̵̛͕̰̂̐l̶̨̡͓͉̂͒͝ì̶̢̮̻͈̫̞̮̭̗̹̋́̽̎͂ķ̶̨̦͇̺̜͓̤̥̟͛̇̅̏͌̿̎̄̃̓̀͑e̷̬̤̓͠ ̴̡̼̮͎̙̤͖̣͚̗̫̯̩̉͋̔͂͌̉̉̏̑̈́̈́̈̕͘t̵͕́̔͒͐͌͒̐̔̈́͊̽̊̚h̷̨̖̺̠̙̱̤̤̑͆͂̆͒̾̌͌̃́͛̌̒́̚͜ȇ̷͉̫͇͎͕̬͕̦̠͑̊̐͌̒̓͋̈́̅̕̚͝ ̴̜̦̯͙͒̍͐f̴͉̘̥͛̀͑̚ǫ̸͇̻̜̱̰̙̙̪̤̞̺̈́̓͑͒̍̈́̈́̈́́̏͠ő̸͕͓̦̞̹̦̰̼̺̺̬͖̖͓͍̗̂̄̈́̅̃̓́́̊̆̂͐̄̚͠d̷̛̲̮̙͉̜̱̻͙̣̋̽̍͑ ̷̡̞͍̰̹̓̓́͐͐̃̀̕☠̴̡̨̬͎͓̭̪̖͓̗̟̱̤̦̑ ̴̢̛͖̖͍̰͎͕̩̞̲͎̭̳̠͓͕͗͜⛧̵̢̧̛͕̗͖͚͖͈͔͉̹̭̻͔́̒͆͆̓͊̔͑̄̽̔̏̌͘͝͝

  • What's your least favorite thing?
    • ⛥̶̨̧̨̛̲̠̻̞̗̠̲̥͇̬̳͙̦̦̗̤̫̦̭̳̙͎̫͉̬͈̣̇̈́͛̇̂̑͋͒̏̃̋̔̏̋̄̄̂͗̾̿̅̉̐͋̽̈́̀͒̅̚͝ͅͅ ̷̡̨͙͉̦̭̠̳͎̹̺̘̟͉̙͉͈̬̞͙̱̙̳̟̤͚͇̦̟͉͉̔̿̐̈́́͊̍͒͌͌̒̀̎͒̔͒͗͋̿͊͑̀̑̂͜☠̶̡̛͓̮̘̥̍͐̂̈́͌̀̆̓́̇̄̈͊̊̍̊͋̓͆͘̚͘̚̚͝͝ͅ ̴̤̣̠͇̣̠̱̳̺͚̳̹̪̉̂͗́̅̄́̐̂͂́͐́̈́̇̉́͑̈́̍͘͜͝p̸̧̢̨̫͚̱͎͚͇̥͔̳̞̩͇͚͇͍͙͕͖̻͈̈́ͅṙ̶̺̰̻̪̘̣͓̺͚͕̰̗͙̗͙͚̗̭̾͊̅̌͋̋̅̾̓̑͂̐͌͂͑̅͒́́͑͜͝ớ̴̫̦̒͊̄͑̎̐͜͠b̶̨̢͈̞̫̻̘̖̟̣̥͖̪͙̫̮̫̥͂̀̾̓̏̓̅̑͌̕͘a̶̡̧̨̧̞̖͎̞̙̯̳̪̰̥̥͉̟̦͇̘̫͚̰̘̟̓͐́͜͜ͅb̸̧̡̢͍̗̠̻̘̟͖͖̠̪̗̪͔͍̝̳̟̳̄͒̿͗ͅl̶̢̡̧̙̫̹̣̥̣͉̖͇̩̟͓̯̖͕̥̮̹͚̳̠̈́ͅy̵̺̙͓̍̓́̎̓̏͌̐͒̓̄̎̆̅͂̏͆̀̒̈́̈́̕͝ ̶̱̆́̒̿̔͐͆̎̓̏͘͝t̴̡͍͖̻̗̳̗̖̘̱̖̻͙́͋̆ͅͅͅh̵͉̣̤̥̣̬͉̉͊̕ä̵̛̙͕̰͖̺̟̤̼̦̙̹͕̪̞̏̎̂͂͌̉̃̊̎̓̅̇̊̀̀̒̓̍́͆̓̐͘͜͠͠t̴̛̛̘͓̪͕͉̓͂̃̓̂̄̒͊̑̾̃͗̎̎̽́̄̎̋͗́̚̚͝͠͝ ̵̨̡̧̡̛͓͇̳̳̣̦̱͔̰̲͈͖̞̞̖̫͖̹͍͈̺̙͙͎̻̺͐͊͌̓͌̈́̉͆̋̾̓̃̽̿͐͛̾̄͐̆̀͘͘͝͝͝ͅj̷̲̤̗̦̳̘̙́̽̏́̃̽̀̒̈́͊̉͒͝į̴̛̛̛̦̖̲̭̖̻͚̼̙͙̲̣̤͕̥̖̬̬͈̩͉̝̥͚̣͎̠̲͛̄̈́̄̆̏̌̔̑̈́͂͑́͆͂͑̑́̄̑́̂͘͝͝͠͝m̶̡̳̙̱̤̝̠̬̤̪͓̙̦̜̮̗̭̜̠̲̟̍̅̈́̐̾̎̄̓̍̄̾͋͜͜m̴̧̨̡̭͎̞̣̥̫͉̫̦͇̭̝͖͓͙̺̼̙̫̱̜̠̞̥̦̮͕͉̓̒̐̐̑̆̉̌̑̍̉̕͠ị̵̧̢̛̫̳͔͚̞̖̖̖̥͔̠̪̳̪̩͉̻͓̩̪̥̱̺̪̙̭͙̜͒̀͆́̾̽̀̆͛̃̾̀̈́̕͜͠ţ̸̨̬̟̦̞̯̺̜̰̻̳̦̙͇͎̦͖͚͉̝̬͑̈́̔̍́̄̎͋̒́̈́̽̅͌́́̓̿̈́̿͌̓̕͜͝ͅḫ̸̨̤̣̭͈͍̺̖̼̪̦̱̥̣̓̅͛̿̈́̈́̿́̒̓͒̅̾͐́̓̚̚͠ỵ̷͍̣̜̼͙̱̾̅̉̍̾̑̾̊̅͜͠ ̶̨̨̢͔͈̘̘͍̦̱̖̩̮͉͖͖̠̞̾̽̀͜͜͜͠͝ͅg̶̨̧̡͚̳̲̩̩̻̰̬͚̖̳̩̰͈̖̀̌̔̄̈͑̂̿͐̍͛̂̿̄͗̈́̏͊̌͗͊̀͘ͅȗ̴̧̨̦̖͍̯̰͕̫̞͈̻̼̝̰̠͖̱̳͍̹̼̻͛͜ͅy̶̡̥̻̤̦̭̦̝͕̲̮̞̺͓̲͇̘̦̘͎̪̺̞̱̠̲͎͕͖̾̓̔̀͗́̓͊͘,̸̛̫̯͎͔̥̩̹̜̲̺̥̘̈́̒̔͛̌͂̆̓͑̆ ̸̧̡̧̢̛̛̩̗̪̣̠̰̲̣̺̻̙̱̠̦̦̻̬͆̌̈́̾̐̓̆́̄͘ͅͅs̶̯̰̲͇̤̯̦͍̫͈̺̉̀͂̃̌̂̒̈́͋̅̌̋̽͒̿̕͘͜͠h̷͕̪͙̖͍͔͙̐̄̿̆͊͒̐̓̈̑̃̚̚͝ȩ̷̢̹̯͙̳͖̟̠̟͙̠̲̦̜̜͍̲̥͓͊̽̽̾͗̎̿ȩ̷̳̣̟͎̒͊̇̿̓̏͊̔̉̈́́̓̊̓͆̽̋͊̕̕̚͝s̸̪͕͙͚̭̫̪͙͍͇̫͇̼͖͇͙̫̜̳̤̼̼͉̱̹̙̞̎͌̑͆͌̈́͋̂͜ͅͅͅh̸͚̬͙̬̎̅̐̀̔̈́̓̽̐́̄̑͑̀́͂͝͝ ̵̨̛̗̦̬̜̰̙̰̼͍̱̹̲̻̗̺͖͈̬̥̻͓̥͎͍͖̦̰̀̋̉́̅͛͒̀̌͆̑̎͊́̽̿̇͛͘͝⛥̴̢̛̜̥̥̗͚̺͉͔͕̹͔͉̪͗̀͑̂͂̒̔̐̈̍̈́̀͒̍̎͆̀̔̂̌̚͘͝͠ͅ ̶̧̨̧̢̡̥͎̻̯̝̟̘̣͈͖͕̦͚͎̬̖̼̈́̊̓́̄̓̀̄͑͆͋̈́̄͘͝͝͝⛥̷̡̡̡̨̡̢̛̛̙̲͔̰̣͈̖̞̭͎̦̮̯̙̻͈̼͈͔͓̎͆̌̆̍͂̃̆́̈́̄̔̐́͐̐̿̌̎̀̅̏̌̓̽̓͐́͐͝

  • If you could change one thing about DOC, what would it be?
    • ì̷̹̖̰̣̟̬̘̺̰̮̱̺̰̙̠͊̏͌̈̒́̐͗͊͘͘ ̶̦̅̍̀̾̇ẅ̵̛̯̲͔̪̻͕̝̤̠̤͎́̉̄́͆̾͑̈͝o̵̧̝̗̥̺̱̓́ȕ̸̡̡̡̢̢̪̖̳͙̗̬̫̳̰̦̓͐̏̎͠ļ̵̧̡͉̩͙̥͔̝̘̹̬͍̼̅̅̎͛͐̓̏͐́̐̈́̀͌̐͘̕͝ď̴̲̳̜͕̈́̿̈́͌̈́͠ ̸̨̧̨̦͗̊l̸̛͚̰̰͉̯̪͎͔̯̭͚̀̿̃͌̂̉͋̍̀́̎͝͝ǫ̷̣̟̹͕̼̬̭̩͛̒̂́̿ͅv̶͕̻̹̦̳̼͎̖͕̺̟́͋e̵̢̨̱̘̞͍̟͈̥͂̒̈́ ̸̱̥̜̝͔̭̟͕̞̮̳͇̘̦̙͕̳͇̽͐̀͛̀̔̇͌̄͊̅̆̆̕͠͝͝â̵̛͍͓̘̬͈͎͔̲͓̲̌͆̌͑͘͝ͅ ̵̨̨̡͚͔̠͚͖̬̜͔̉͛̂͒̓͘̕͝c̶̡̜̙̘͍̦̜͖̳̞͓̀́͂̔̉̆̒̕ͅḫ̶̡͍͔͈͆͂͠a̵̢̡̞̺̪̥͖͙̩̞̪͔͖̜͔̣͓̰̓̓̐̀́̿̊̅̉̈́̽͌͠n̶̖̜̣͈͈̙̳̦̺̠͙̉̀͗̍͋̆̅̚͠͝c̴̞̼̦̯͚̝̔̍̅͌̅̍ͅe̷͍͓̪͎̹͉̖̋ͅ ̷̢̟̬̜̩͍̞̮̗̩͖͕͚̟̮͐͑̆͋͘͝t̷͔͆̿̈́̆͛̆̈́͆̐͑̊͒́͝ỡ̵̡͔̗͈̣͕̤͙̹͍̥̲͚̗̼̪́͑͒̐̔̄͌̃͐͊̓̌̃͗͘ͅͅ ̴̨͕̯̟̞͖̲̟̜̗̲̒͊̂͆͊̋͂͑̔̓͗̈́̒̕l̵̛̤̪̓̋͐͛͋͋̚͜ẹ̵̡̺̝̞̒́͗́̿̃̈́́́̿͗̋̐̕̚͘a̴̢̨̰͓̬̒͘v̵͉̪̪̼͍̖̥͇͍͚͕͉̫̥͎̲̺͊͗ȩ̵̨̦̥̠̙̻̦̯͎͎͚̀͆̚̚͘ ̶̧̡̟͚̠̖͎͙̱͎͙̤̟͚̫̥̈́̋̒̉̌͒̀͒̈́̎͆͂̃̉͘͘m̶̜͓̥̋͆̓͐́͐̀̒͊͊̓̑́̓̅̕͘y̴͍͊̃̎̌̍̔̄̊̚ ̵̛̛̛̹̮̙̭̺͉̹͎̰̲͊͊͂̅̚͜͜c̸̡̾e̶̢̡̖͇̳̞̥̰̼̩͈͓̱̺̎̀̓͆͑͌͂̈́̉͑͛̐͛̓̊͜ͅl̶͎͎̊͒̓̽̈́̂̀̔̊͝l̷̫̝̪̙͉̬͖̣̮͓͉͉̩̠͚͌̅͊̓͘ ψ

  • What would you do if you were Warden for a day?
    • t̸͇̫̫͎͉̼̬̪̖̯̦̪̼̙͍͗ͅͅh̷̛̼̫̜̖͓̤̮̲͇̹͙̟̼̜̣̣̊̔̐̅̑͒͑̑̔̿̋̅͆̋e̴̦̬̜̖͚͇̦̜̳̠̠͔̔̾ ̴̝̥̭͎̩̣͍͖̲̃͛́̉ć̷̰̘͔̱̖͗͛͆̀̾̔̃̈́̊̋̈̆̎̌́͑͝u̵̲̪͂̿͆́̅̑̏͗̄̑̕͝ŕ̶͇̹̪͈͋͒͂̉̾̏̆͛̏̍͊͆̎̀͗͠r̸̨̛̠̬̬̘̙͇͍͕͎̩̗̬̎̊̄̒͌̾̆̌͛̈́̌̎̕̕͜͝ͅe̶̢̛̖̲̠͕̩̣͋̓̇̈́̒̕n̶̛̛͖͍͉͉̑̐̄͗̽̂̑̅̀̓̏̀̕̚͠t̸̛̳͇̣̪̜̝̤̟͍̹̗͋͒́̅̎̂̃̅̿̀͠͝ͅ ̸̡̨͔̦̗̝̭̫̱̼͖̗̳̘͍̣̱͌͂͂͒̊̏̉̓̚͠w̴̡̧̢̛̹̖͈̭̖̜̟̝͚͉͐̀͆͊̑̒͐́̓̈̄͘͝a̸̡͖̩̻̳͎̘̝̳͓͎̰̩̍̽̆̓̈́̀r̸̘̺͗̀̓̈́́̿́̽̓̑͑̕͝d̴̡̧̘̦̣̬̘͎͎̭̖͗ͅe̸̻̻͌̉̈́̇́͑͗͛̇͗̾͋͂͂̚n̵̪̣̯͍͈̦̫͓͍̩͈̼̼̈́̐̉̽͊͜ ̴̼̮͎͓̳̼̞̓̑̆̈̌͜͝͝ͅį̴̨̤͖̪̺͉̱̭̳̝͉̗͎͂̒̑͜s̶̨̹̤̞̳̤̪̭̋̎ ̶̧̹͎̲̰́̾̅p̴̟̘̦͓͈̫̫͍̰̬̦̤̘̝̓̏͗̏̄̎̐͆́̿͝ͅͅr̴̛͉̘̘̓͌̈̾̂̽̅̀̿̓͊̅̕͘ẽ̶̢̡̧̲̘̪͎̥̬͍͖͍̠̱͖̦t̷̢̨̝̫̳̭͙̭̦͔͓̯̮̏͆̽͊̅͌̂́͂̓̏̀̌̚̕͠͠t̸̢̧͓͚͖̦͖̜̟̩̭̟̀͒̒͗͆͑̿͛͂͊͗̎̕ỳ̶̛̻͓̞̘̜̱̋̿̾̉̾̾̀͊̐͂͆̐̕͝͠ ̸̱̜̙̫̏̈́̒̐̑̽̀̋̔̔͘͝͝c̸̘̙̪̯̝͇͔͓̖͍̯̱̏͒ṳ̶͙̆̈́͋̎̾̆̍͑̃͛͘͝͝t̷̡͕̗̪̗͙̦͚̀͋̀̿ͅͅe̶̛̺̲͇͉̪̟͗̇́͐̈́̈́̔́̕,̸̨̪͚̥̖̇̈́̀̎̔̇͂̋̈́͒͘͝͝͠ ̵̝̮̩͔̤͎͇̹͎̲̯͌̋̏́̊̿̊̒̈́̅̊́́̇͠͝͝s̴̢̹͓̜͙̗̰̦̹͓͇̏͌̉͗̈́̌̈͛̇̀̆̾͠ḧ̸̡̨̫͉̗̦̲͎̬̥̝͖͚́̽͛̾̓͊̉͊̈́̐͜͠͝e̵̡̛̅̃̓̓̾̂̋̋́̓́́̉͋̇͘͠'̵̨͇̞͉̦̖͎̘͎̰̜͔̜̬͉̺̜͊̿͊̈́̑ͅs̸̢͈͇̻̀́́͂́ ̸̢͓͖̟̰̝̮͖̭̥̗̟̝̊̄̒̌̽̎̉̿̚ͅͅf̵͈̩͍̰̪̹͚̏̒͊͌̈͒́̾̎̎̿̓̕̕į̷̖̜̜̱͍̖͛͊͜͠n̵̡̛̮͓̥͉͈̹̓̔̈́̀͗̽͌́̊̂̎̀͜͝è̵̝̭̫̰̩͓̹̭̌̀͊̔͜ ̵̛͖͈̌̇̏͗͊̈́̽͋̂̉̇͊̚͘ͅä̵͎̖̖͍̥͕̟̫̫̖̲́͗̀̈́̓̈́̅̿̑͋̂̀͘̚̕ͅs̸̡̨̙͇͉͉͈̩̩͓̥̮͕̤̭̼̄̒̅̒̐͐͘ ̶̧̮̮͕̾̋̆̀̓́̒͝s̴̜̥͇͕̗̘͔͉̜̹̪̗̪͖̙̪̓͜͜h̴̨͇̖̲͉͙͈̳͇͖̰͎̟̾͌̽̏̉ͅe̵̙̱̫̤̦̽̀̔͗̓̈́ ̶̢̨̛̞̮̞̘̩͚͖͇̩̬̹͍̪͎̜̺̉͑̏͌̊̈́́̆̈́̈́́̆͒͘͝͝į̵̧̼̯̖͈̥̫̬̜̫̮̳͍̲̱̬̫̀͗̉̐̑̀̈́̿̃͑̚ş̶͕̯̪͙̮̝̰̆

  • Is there someone or something you miss while being in jail?
    • a̶̡̨̙̫̹̣͓̠͍̙͈͓̕f̴̢̲̼͉͍̰͚̺̼̹̞̭͇̻̦̤̉͑́̏̑̈̍̀͘͜t̸̫͉̯̘͚̮͇̪̤̼̰͕͎̗̦̽͛̇̈̾̈̂̊͆̆͛̕͜͝͝͝͝ḙ̸̢̣̮̥̦̝̖̝̤̼̬͎̮̩̝̻́̾̀͠r̸̘̝̠͓̳͛̋̑̈̇͊̈̃̈́̿̌̿͝ǹ̵̡̨̡̨̡̛͍̜̟̤̮̰̳̹͔̩̜̝̍̔̊̋̍̎̃̿͌̽͊̕͘͘͠ò̸̝͍̯͉̗̣͍͉͉̳͖̠̐̒͆̈̿̃̂̀̊̏͂̅̾͘͜͝͝o̴͉̙̔̏̐́̈́̈́̈́͋̽̐̃͐̀͒̂͆ņ̴̳̽͐͆̑̆̄̊̄̈́̇͌͋̐̆͘͘ş̸̪͇̱̭̻͚͚̭͚͉̰͚͖̬̌̑̿̚͘͜

  • Why do you think you're in here so often?
    • t̸̨̻̦̅͒̓͑h̸̝̹̔́̓̚e̴̩͖̰̘̫̎ ̴̥͓̩͎͑̈̊̕w̶̤̫͖͓͑̔o̵̤͇̐r̶͉͇̼̖̒̓̈́̈́͜͝ḽ̷̆̅͝d̴̠͉̫̎̓̀ ̷͚̉̀̀i̴̠̓͊͗ṣ̶̩͓̤̜̕ ̸̰̹͂͒͛̕f̶͓̃̔̐ạ̶͉̗̟̊̀̎̚͠r̷̞̺̺̥͐̃ ̷̢̖̪̻̀̏́̉̕s̵̝͚̫̬̍̄̚̕ͅc̷̜̄å̷̹͕̭̋r̵̹͂̋̓̂ì̸̘̌͆̕͝e̴̬͂̑͊ȓ̸̮̊̃̽͘ ̵̛̙͖͎͓͑̅́̂͜o̷̼̾͊̏̓ű̸̻̒̊͋t̴̗͖̭̩̩͆ ̴̡͉̖̄͛̈́͒͘ţ̸͇̝̯̆͐̐ḥ̵̩͖̰̇́͊͝e̷̺̺͌̾̀̉r̵̛̪̣̆̌̀ĕ̵̛̤̟̼̕

  • Is there anything you'd like to tell people?
    • p̶̟̫͚̣̮͛̋̈́̑͝l̸̤̲͔̘̩̾̌͒ë̷̛͍̣̘̻͍̲̤͖́̇̋̋͠ạ̸͕̓̌̒͑̈́s̶̨͍̖̦̭̝̈ḕ̵̢͈̼͔̬̳̌̏̄ ̴̨̻̙̲̟͇̻̪̓ṷ̶̖͖̺͖̺̺̎̑͐̂̚͝n̵̞̹̺̙̣̹̼̹̔͆͊̅͝l̸̨̤̭͙͎͉̓̇͐̓͘͘͝͠ȯ̴̳̯͓͓̠̌c̵̨̮͉̩̃͆̑̓̕k̸̬͉̘͍̓̃̀̅̋͊̇̓ ̶̨̹͐͂̍̐̇́͝͝ṃ̴̧̡̝̣͉͍̽̍̊̊͘ͅÿ̶̝̥̰̗̱̘̠̲́ ̵̥̙͗͌̌́̓̀̕c̶̡̧̛̮̙̜̹͑̓͘e̴̗͙̞̔̿̂̕ļ̴̱̺͙̯̼͉̼̅̅̀͠ļ̷̧͙͕̮͈͒̈́͘

Employee Ajustments
  • ImageWardensImageCorrections Trainees
    • Kourtney Lafleur
    • Steve Blata
    • Katie Schneider
    • Audrey Martin

  • ImageCorrectional TraineeImageWarden
    • Adam Payne
    • Issei Schneider
    • Yuki Nakamura
    • Maximillian Speed
    • Rock Paz
    • Ava Sullivan
    • Galileo Czapiewski
    • Jimmithy Jemima
    • Julia Chedhamenou
    • Stefan Dobrev
    • Randy Lee
    • Jack Goodnight
    • Andrew Bryant
    • Blinky Williams
    • Mia Adams
    • Astra Amistoso
    • Leo Alexander
    • Jemma Smith
    • Luke Eriksen
    • Massimo Mascardotti
    • Norman Boreman
    • Oliver Dutch
    • Gina Willow
    • Tony Vicenzo
    • Martin Murtaugh
    • Reina Moraine
    • Carlin Wednesday
    • Matteus Speed
    • Alex Pedolski
    • Wesley Carter
    • Brenden Burrows
    • Maxie Speed
    • John Da
    • Danielle Young
    • Jordan Remzy
    • Brandon Wood
    • Jackson Steel
    • Quandale Bingus
    • Tommy Cole
    • Benjamin Briggs
    • Alia Jet
    • Matt Crane
    • Charles Swift
    • Trevor Lamatchi
    • Gunner Magnusson
    • Atlas Evans
    • Jay Bolton
    • Harmony Carter
    • Pierce Carter
    • Emily Whitehorse
    • Herrman Wolff
    • Marcus Donovan
    • Leo Marks
    • Janice Jenkins
    • Frank Haswell
Phone Calls
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      When an inmate arrives with a brand new iFruit 69 they will have it quickly confiscated from them. However, if they wish to retain their phone till they enter the cellblock to make a phone call then they can request it.

      The 10-15 can use the phone call for any number of reasons such as letting their mom know they're going to be in prison for a few years, telling their significant other to come to visit them, or getting a friend to feed their pet while they're incarcerated.

      Phone calls are a privilege, not a right. Any Correctional Officer has the right to decline you for a phone call for any reason they see fit.
      Recruitment Status
      Recruitment
       ! Message from: Human Resources Command
      Recruitment for the San Andreas Department of Corrections is OPEN as of 6/9/69. Please see below on how to apply. Come get spit on by the inmates!!!
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      • [] Age: Must be over 85.
        [] Citizenship/Residency: Must be an robust Texan at the time of applying, and have been a resident of San Andreas for no more than 1 day.
        [] Criminal History: You must have either robbed one bank, blown up one drag lab or 'pantsed' one of our command team during a presentation. No exceptions or substitutions.
        [] Multiple Employments: Do not work here if you already work at the taco truck. It makes better money than us and the smell of delicious warm tacos wafting off of you will drive our guards into a feeding frenzy.
        [] Mental/Physical Fitness: As a Corrections Officer, you must be able to colour inside the lines, identify three basic shapes and answer the following simple math questions:
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        [] Additional Requirements:
        • [] Just show up. Clown costumes preferred.
          [] No food allowed ever.
      Closing Message from the Warden
      And that ends our March Press release. As always, if you have any questions, comments, or anything you can find my contact info just below here.

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      Kourtney Lafleur
      Warden
      San Andreas Department of Corrections

      [email protected]

      Other Contact Information
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      Jimmithy Jemima
      Corporal
      San Andreas Department of Corrections

      [email protected]
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        Ava Sullivan
        Lieutenant, Editor-In-Chief
        San Andreas Department of Corrections
        [email protected]
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