April Fools 2024 Press Release

[Kourtney LaFleur]

Opening Message

Welcome to the March Press Release!
Besides the multiple officers that have been charged for heinous crimes it has been a relatively quiet month.
There are many fun articles this month, especially the cell tier list and a very special inmate of the month who was dying to get the spotlight.

Please enjoy the press release and remember to wash your hands.

Employee of the Month

Each month here at the San Andreas Department of Corrections we like to bestow an honor on this month's best performing officer who has shown time and time again that they put maximum effort and commitment into their work. The officer selected for this prestigious award has proved themselves as a representation of how each officer working for our department should strive to be.

Employee of the Month March 2024

Sergeant Pin Gwen - #69420

Questions for the Employee of the Month

We like to ask the employee of the month a few questions to get their perspective on the job and what makes a great officer, below are a few answers to common questions by our Employee of the Month:

Looking back, what are memorable achievements from your service so far?

My most memorable achievement in SADOC is when randy

Moving forward what are the next goals as a SADOC officer?

My goal is to reach the black belt in card jitsu!

Any advice they would give to future prospects who might think about joining the SADOC?

come on down to SADOC and let's flip the iceberg together

Divisional Spotlight - The Minnesota Menstrokes

• What is The Minnesota Menstrokes?
  The Minnesota Menstrokes is DOC's best American redneck Officers. When they hear trouble, they grab their golden Shotgun or Carbine that they earned by getting 50 confirmed headshots or backshots on inmates. If an inmate is convicted of a serious crime, our Menstrokes will line them up in the yard and execute them by firing squad. When the Stroke pager is hit our Menstrokes can expect a man looking for a good time or a situation that requires them to get out of their dress and high heels and put on their cowboy hats and hold the fort with their golden revolver in hand. The Minnesota Menstrokes is C.E.R.T's replacement, when there is trouble, you can expect The Minnesota Menstrokes to assist.
  
  
  
  
  
  How do you join The Minnesota Menstrokes?
  In order to join the Menstrokes you must be born in the United States, must have slept with a blood relative, own a golden revolver and a golden Shotgun or Carbine, own a pet pig, tie up your wife, live in Minnesota for a year, and lastly, be a cowboy redneck. These traits are what make The Minnesota Menstrokes. Sexual favors is a bonus to join.
  
  
  
  
  Message From The Head Stroker

  

  When there's trouble The Minnesota Menstrokes are always here to defend the prison. If you don't like someone, let our team know and for $100k we'll execute them by firing squad with a video on Lifeinvader for proof. Our team has some of the best redneck's American has ever seen and we rule under our Warden Supreme LaFleur and Warden Lee.
  
  
  
  
  

  Message From The Assistant Head Stroker

  

  No quick head in my bed, I can't have that
  I want that long neck, not talking giraffe neck
  Ain't no laying down, man, we 'bout to have late fun
  I'm 'bout to make your balls stick up like space buns
  Want your d*ck soaked? Place it down my throat
  Tongue tickle yo' d*ck but not telling a joke
  Peddle in this p*ssy, that's how you rock a boat
  It get live in this p*ssy, I'm not talking Periscope
  In the sheets, I am a bully, give more head than a hoodie
  Every time you make me c*m it look just like vanilla pudding
  Sit on yo' face all day until you say, "Bae it hurt me"
  Then I turn around and give the d*ck more kisses than Hershey's
  

  Message From The K9 Division

  

  OINK
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Visitation

Has your wife, brother, husband, sister, mother, uncle, friend, father, daughter, son, cousin, aunt, niece, nephew, grandfather, grandmother, in-law, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé/fiancée, spouse, parent, step-parent, step-sibling, sibling-in-law, godparent, guardian, mentor, confidant, roommate, colleague, and acquaintance gathered alongside our teacher, student, boss, employee, co-worker, neighbor, classmate, childhood friend, best friend, pen pal, teammate, coach, doctor, patient, therapist, client, landlord, tenant, business partner, and rival ever been arrested and brought to SADOC? Well, you can visit them!

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2 Scumbags meeting with another scumbag

Visitation at DOC is open 3 hours a day and 2 days a week, including some holidays!

There is a requirement for at least 8 Correctional Officers (3 command) to be free and willing to assist in visitation.

If you MUST visit a love one, please make sure you ring the front bell 69 time.

The visitation rules are as follows:

• No physical contact (unless its HOT)
• No whispering, only shouting
• If passing of items, SADOC Officers get first dibs at stealing it
• Maximum time is 1 hour ((15 minutes OOCLY))

For those that like to exploit visitation, we have a blacklist in place that restricts The cool kids such as our MSIs, from being able to be visited or visit. Visitation is a benefit and can be declined for any number of reasons.

Inmate of the Month

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Inmate 404

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• Note: In the interest of transparency, and being able to allow inmates to represent themselves this interview is direct quotes from the interviewed inmate and their quotes do not represent the SADOC's views and beliefs.

• Why do you do illegal things?

  • -

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• What's your favorite thing about DOC?

  • -

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• What's your least favorite thing?

  • -

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• If you could change one thing about DOC, what would it be?

  • -

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• What would you do if you were Warden for a day?

  • -

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• Is there someone or something you miss while being in jail?

  • -

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• Why do you think you're in here so often?

  • -

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• Is there anything you'd like to tell people?

  • -

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Employee Adjustments

• Warden ► Warden Supreme
  • #521 Kourtney LaFleur

• Deputy Warden ► Correctional Custodian Officer
  • #646 Katie Schneider
  • #663 Audrey Martin

• Assistant Warden ► Correctional Custodian Officer
  • #760 Issei Schneider
  • #738 Maximillian Speed

• Warden
  • #771 Rock Paz
  • #835 Galileo Czapiewski
  • #838 Jimmithy Jemima
  • #914 Oliver Dutch
  • #925 Gina Willow
  • #871 Randy Lee
  • #961 Remmi Raccoon
  • #930 Alex Pedolski
  • #975 Bradley Coot
  • #863 Lucy Fox
  • #1083 Aaron Marks
  • #1036 Alex Crail
  • #1030 Alex Nieves
  • #1088 Ally Jean
  • #1029 Andy Tyrie
  • #1031 Angelica Smith
  • #1035 Atlas Cross
  • #850 Bogdan Beciri
  • #1074 Chico Garcia
  • #1048 Danae Luv
  • #955 Dasha Belova
  • #507 Donte Monroe
  • #1075 Dora Benham
  • #1032 Draven Armani
  • #1090 Duke Reed
  • #1063 Dwayne Richardson
  • #1060 Elijah Harrison
  • #1028 Emily Whitehorse
  • #1005 Emina Christine
  • #1084 Eugene Benton
  • #692 Franz Stroheim
  • #1069 Grace Speed
  • #1067 Harvey Lopez
  • #1042 Jack Hudsoon
  • #1077 Jason Hernandez
  • #1079 Jay Paige
  • #1085 Jebediah Buckley
  • #1086 Jebediah Butler
  • #929 Jerry Brooks
  • #977 Joselynn Trejos
  • #1025 Leo Gromer
  • #1022 Manuel Romero
  • #1092 Mathew Armstrong
  • #947 Max Burrows
  • #1071 Melanie Bay
  • #708 Mia Adams
  • #1055 Michael Paul
  • #981 Miles Hansen
  • #1087 Oscar Thorpe
  • #1061 Patryk Green
  • #1091 Rauc Watts
  • #1066 Riley Kilgore
  • #1080 River Paige
  • #979 Robert Pacer
  • #1068 Rudi Edel
  • #1081 Skye Luna
  • #518 Stanley Miso
  • #1064 Theo Ashman
  • #1089 Tyler Smooth
  • #1019 Vito Saint
  • #269 Wesley Moon
  • #574 Zinnia Rose

Top Ten Cells at SADOC

We have heard all of your calls, "What cell can I go in?", "Which is the best cell?", "Can you please fire Randy?" and many other types of questions so we have finally decided to publish the official SADOC Cell Tier list.
This is official and any other cell tier lists are just wrong so please ignore them.

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Number 10

Number 9

Number 8

Number 7

Number 6

Number 5

Number 4

Number 3

Number 2

Number 1

Ghostbusters Filming

We are now legally allowed to say that Bolingbroke was featured in the recent Ghostbusters movie, Ghostbusters Behind Bars.

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It is no secret that Bolingbroke Penitentiary is super haunted. We have had thousands, if not tens of thousands, of inmates perish within the walls so there are quite a few ghosties that float around and spook the place.
It was the perfect setting for the new Ghostbusters so Paul Rudd, acclaimed actor for the short guy in the Marvel movies, reached out personally about using the facility for their new film.
Of course we said yes as we are all huge fans of Ghostbusters and ghosts but not the scary ones.

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Without spoiling too much of the movie you are in for a treat. There are many scenes with Bill Murray (or William to his friends (we're all his friends at SADOC) but you need to call him Bill) inside of Bolingbroke as him and his spooky hunting squad track down all of the bad ghosties and use their vacuum tubes to suck them up and put them into ghost prison. It's like real prison but for ghosts which is already a lot like real prison.
When the movie comes out then you should go see it and point at the screen like the titanic meme guy and exclaim that you know that place! Any CO will also be happy to sign any autograph although no one who works for SADOC was allowed into the movie and we also all signed an NDA.

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Selfie Contest

We are holding a selfie contest this month to celebrate the wonderful billboard that has been erected on Senora Freeway..
Simply take a selfie with the SADOC billboard on Senora Freeway.
Please forward all enteries to the inbox of Jimmithy Jemima with a chance of winning $10,000.

Phone Calls

When an inmate arrives with a brand new iFruit 69 they will have it quickly confiscated from them. However, if they wish to retain their phone till they enter the cellblock to make a phone call then they can request it.

The 10-15 can use the phone call for any number of reasons such as letting their mom know they're going to be in prison for a few years, telling their significant other to come to visit them, or getting a friend to feed their pet while they're incarcerated.

Phone calls are a privilege, not a right. Any Correctional Officer has the right to decline you for a phone call for any reason they see fit.

Recruitment Status

Recruitment

!	Message from: Human Resources Command
	Recruitment for the San Andreas Department of Corrections is OPEN as of 21/06/2021. Please see below on how to apply.

• Age: Must be over the age of 18 and no older than 55.
  • (( Must have an Out of Character age of 16 years old ))
• Citizenship/Residency: Must be an American Citizen at the time of applying, and have been a resident of San Andreas for no less than 12 months.
• Criminal History: You must not have any serious crimes on your record (will be dealt with on a case to case basis)
• Multiple Employments: You may not be a member of LSPD, LSSD or SAJB at the time of hiring, as these are full-time positions. You may have a part-time position while working as a Correctional Officer here at the SADOC.
  *If applying for the position of Correctional Custodian Officer they you may be a member of another department as this position is part-time. All decisions are made & finalized by the Human Resources Command Team.
• Mental/Physical Fitness: As a Corrections Officer, you must be able to maintain good mental and physical fitness. You will be tested on this during our hiring process.
  • (( As a faction, we hold a high RP standard, we will help you of course, if you're new. But you must want to learn and grow ))
• Additional Requirements:
  • You are required to fill out an application online, you must have access to a computer and be able to use it.
  • You are required to pass an extensive background check, where your criminal record, previous employment, traffic violations, and any affiliation you may have had in the past will be checked.
  • (( Must be able to dedicate at least 5 on-duty hours a week ))
  • (( Must have a clean admin record for the past 30 days, this is also handled on a case by case basis ))

Click here to be redirected to the SADOC application area of our website where more information will be available

Closing Message from the Warden

And that ends our April Fools Press release. As always, if you have any questions, comments, or anything you can find my contact info just below here.
In the wise words of all those LifeInvader posters before they're ultimately arrested, "it's just a prank, bro."

Randy Lee
Warden
San Andreas Department of Corrections
[email protected]

Other Contact Information

Randy Lee
Captain of Departmental Administration, Head of Public Relations
San Andreas Department of Corrections
[email protected]

Randy Lee
Lieutenant, Assistant Head of Public Relations
San Andreas Department of Corrections
[email protected]

Randy Lee
Lieutenant, Public Relations Command
San Andreas Department of Corrections
[email protected]

Randy Lee
Captain of Departmental Operations
San Andreas Department of Corrections
[email protected]

Randy"Big Diesel" Lee
Warden of Departmental Administration
San Andreas Department of Corrections
[email protected]