April Fools 2022 Press Release

Press releases made by the Department of Corrections on updates, employee adjustments, and stories from within the prison.
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Kourtney LaFleur
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April Fools 2022 Press Release

Post by Kourtney LaFleur »

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Opening Message
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Welcome to the March Press Release!
The Public Relations team has been very busy the past month working on fun and exciting things such as the DOC space program, a sequel to Air Bud 7 and digging a moat.

The Warden has kindly made a video to explain what has happened at SADOC in the past month.
You can view it here:
Employee of the Month
Each month here at the San Andreas Department of Corrections we like to bestow an honor on this month's best performing officer who has shown time and time again that they put maximum effort and commitment into their work. The officer selected for this prestigious award has proved themselves as a representation of how each officer working for our department should strive to be.

Employee of the Month March 2022
Questions for the Employee of the Month
We like to ask the employee of the month a few questions to get their perspective on the job and what makes a great officer, below are a few answers to common questions by our Employee of the Month:

Looking back, what are memorable achievements from your service so far?
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KATHUNK KATHUNK KATHUNK MMMMNNNN (I dispense drinks and make people smile with my exotic ad campaigns. That is my only purpose in life. )

Moving forward what are the next goals as a SADOC officer?
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KATHUNK KATHUNK KATHUNK MMMMNNNN (To dispense drinks and make people smile with my exotic ad campaigns)

Any advice they would give to future prospects who might think about joining the SADOC?
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KATHUNK KATHUNK KATHUNK MMMMNNNN! (Drink Sprunk)

Visitation
Has your mother, brother, brother from another mother, mother from another brother, stalker, love interest, emotional therapy dog, or the guy who eats trash in the dumpster behind your house ever been arrested and brought to SADOC? Well, you can visit them!
Two lesbian lovers visiting former Warden Solomon Cobb!
Visitation at DOC is open on April 1st and no other day.
There is a requirement for at least two Correctional Officers to play dice at the visitation. One guard is the good guard, and one is the bad. If the good guard wins, the visitor is allowed to leave and the inmate returns to the cells. But if the bad guard wins, they roll another dice! If they roll a 1 or a 2, the inmate and visitor switch places. If they roll a 3 or a 4, the inmate and visitor get to leave together. If they roll a 5 or a 6, the officers switch places with the visitor and inmate! It's a real game of chance!
The visitation rules are as follows:
  • No physical contact, unless the guard is invited
  • No whispering unless its REALLY juicy gossip
  • No passing of items unless there's enough to share
  • Maximum time is until the guards fall asleep.
For those that like to exploit visitation, we have a job offer in place that grants a full access pass to the DOC, allowing them to meet with certain individuals, such as our MSIs. Visitation is a legal right and if we deny it, sue us.
Inmate of the Month

Annie Yolkley

Annie Yolk-ley is a talking chicken. She was brought into the DOC for slaughtering 10 men in a gang shoot out, but was only caught because of body cam footage taken off one of the corpses. She is a Rhode Island Red and she was bound for slaughter at Cluckin Bell, when she wished upon a star for a way out. The next day, she discovered she could talk and pretended to be a demon, making a Faustian bargain with a worker. Since then, she has been hell bent on revenge, stealing cars, shooting up gangs, and trying to make a change for her species. So far though, she has had no cluck.

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  • Note: In the interest of covering our PR butts, and being able to allow inmates to represent themselves this interview is direct quotes from the interviewed inmate and their quotes do not represent the SADOC's views and beliefs, unless they do.
  • Why do you do illegal things?
    • Its fun. Nobody ever suspects a chicken and I love watching the police being confused. Like "Hey why is there a chicken here?". And I want revenge on all the carnivores who slaughter my kin every day for sh*t food at sh*t restaurants. If you're going to kill someone and eat them, don't insult them by deep frying them. That's just sheer laziness. Slow cook for three hours on a low temperature if you MUST eat us. Its what I do to humans.

  • What's your favorite thing about DOC?
    • There are lots of nice places to make a nest. I may be a talking chicken but I do have instincts and they do need to be attended to. I found a lovely inmate doing yoga who let me nest on him!
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  • What's your least favorite thing?
    • I do not like that inmates do not pay a fair price for my hidden feather knives. I offer them one for 1000 stamps and they just pick me up and shake me until my knives fall out. That should be illegal. Just because I am small doesn't mean I'm not trying to make a living.

  • If you could change one thing about DOC, what would it be?
    • A fully chicken friendly menu. I don't want to eat beef or pork- I am friends with many cows and pigs. Most of them work at PD these days. Ahahahaha. I jest. But yeah. If we would get some red millet and safflower I'd be very happy.

  • Is there someone or something- Wait where are you going?!

    This rowdy outlaw then proceeded to attack me with knives hidden in her feathers! She was ruthless and brutal and I barely escaped with my life! She stole my keys and booked it to the car port, getting out our TARV! But she had one fatal flaw! She was too little to drive! No crossing the road for this rowdy Red. She then proceeded to sit in the passenger seat and pretend she was a normal chicken. What an actress! She was then put into the solitary for our safety and the interview was over.
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Notable Promotions

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#05 - Warden Stevia Blaster
#06 - Warden Kay D Schnitzel
#07 - Warden Laundry Martian
#629 - Warden Caroling Atyou
#698 - Warden Seen Peen
#676 - Warden Professor Layton
#474 - Warden Washboard Sailor
#695 - Warden Tripping Backboard Veins
#729 - Warden Ramrod Ramrod
#738 - Warden Uttermost Briskness
#621 - Warden A Reckless Llama
#597 - Warden EL Fe Salvador
#708 - Warden The Addams Family
#720 - Warden James with a Coat
#748 - Warden Strawberry Jam
#747 -Warden Longjohn McDonalds
#743 - Warden Antler Boy
#769 - Warden Gatorade Tavernbrawl
#732 - Warden Me Lick Eyeballs
#739 - Warden Deny Madaughter
#763 - Warden John Sayless
#765 - Warden Christmas Poltergeist
#735 - Warden Mrs. Norris the cat
#761 - Warden Frederick Runner
#760 - Warden Issi Sport Yoshi
#716 - Warden Ami Okamber
#767 - Warden Only Coal for Christmas
#770 - Warden Peck Bell
#768 - Warden Clownfish Tree
#766 - Warden Avery full of Crows
#239 - Warden Ace Ventura, Platinum Detective
#771 - Warden Rock Lobster
#772 - Warden Guillotine Liner
#778 -Warden Lukewarm Valentines
#781 - Warden Dented Bluejay
#779 - Warden Geodude Runner
#775 - Warden Cone Biscuit
#776 - Warden Remember the Titans
#780 - Warden Penultimate Edward Elric
#782 -Warden Gyrate Tension
#783 - Warden Absol used Blaze
#784 - Warden The Lost David
#654 - Warden 6 Piece Nugget Meal
#768 Casino Badinski

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#01- Trainee Courtney CaCleur
    The Toilet Goblin
    Deep in the bowels of the DOC are new offices. With new offices come new places. New...obsessions. New madness.

    Imagine yourself on your phone, on the toilet. A pass time we have all indulged in. You have had a hard day of inmates spitting on you and just want five minutes of noiseless, uninterrupted peace.
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    And then, you hear it.

    "Whatcha doing in there?

    It comes from everywhere and you look around but all you see are the walls of the bathroom!? The vents? The pipes?

    NO. It's coming from above.

    And then she scrambles over the top of the stall door with her vicious, squealing inquiry again!

    And it's too late. The toilet goblin has you now.

    Here is FIRST HAND FOOTAGE of the creature.

    Security footage here!
    Artistic Interpretation
    Recruitment Status
    Recruitment
     ! Message from: Human Resources Command
    Recruitment for the San Andreas Department of Corrections is OPEN as of 6/9/69. Please see below on how to apply. Come get spit on by the inmates!!!
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    • Age: Must be over 85.
    • Citizenship/Residency: Must be an robust Texan at the time of applying, and have been a resident of San Andreas for no more than 1 day.
    • Criminal History: You must have either robbed one bank, blown up one drag lab or 'pantsed' one of our command team during a presentation. No exceptions or substitutions.
    • Multiple Employments: Do not work here if you already work at the taco truck. It makes better money than us and the smell of delicious warm tacos wafting off of you will drive our guards into a feeding frenzy.
    • Mental/Physical Fitness: As a Corrections Officer, you must be able to colour inside the lines, identify three basic shapes and answer the following simple math questions:
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    • Additional Requirements:
      • Just show up. Clown costumes preferred.
      • No food allowed ever.
    Closing Message from the Warden
    March has been a very normal month with nothing out of the ordinary occurring.
    Stay tuned to see next Month's Press Release where we will unveil the inmate cabaret performance as well as a visit from a few of the members of the Australian Royal Family.

    (Happy April Fools!)

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    Kourtney Lafleur
    Warden
    San Andreas Department of Corrections

    [email protected]

    Other Contact Information
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    Trixie Bankshot
    Corporal, PR Editor-In-Chief
    San Andreas Department of Corrections

    [email protected]

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